M.M.: I don’t get excited very often anymore, but this is a special occasion. Mr. Gore, I want to thank you for agreeing to do this interview.

Gore: My pleasure. Thank you for having me.

M.M.: I have to ask you right away: Are the polar bears alright?

Gore: Well, as you know we are living in dangerous times…

M.M.: How many bears are left? Two? Maybe three?

Gore: It’s not quite that dramatic yet. But there is no doubt in my mind that if we don’t act now and stop exploiting our planet, our children will know polar bears only from schoolbooks.

M.M.: Agreed. There won’t be any more field trips to the North Pole because the North Pole will be gone.

Gore: Correct. The ice is melting at a very fast pace. The consequences will be cataclysmic.

M.M.: Cataclysmic is a very fitting word and I promise I will look it up later. I became a fan of you about 20 years ago, when I saw you on stage, warning everybody that we only have ten years left to save the planet. What’s the situation today? Do we still have ten years left or has it become more serious?

Gore: Making accurate predictions can be a difficult task. Fact is that the Earth is warming. Fact is that CO2 is the cause for global warming. And fact is that we are responsible for the rise in CO2 emissions. Now, wouldn’t it seem only logical to you to get these emissions under control?

M.M.: Absolutely! Explain to our readers what a carbon footprint is.

Gore: I’d be delighted to. Basically everybody leaves a carbon footprint on this planet. The more we consume the bigger our carbon footprint becomes. The production of goods and food comes with massive amounts of energy consumption. Take the US, for example. America represents only 5% of the world’s population but uses 25% of all energy resources. This is highly unbalanced. It pains me to criticize my own country, but our lifestyles destroy the world as we know it. Therefore we have to reduce our carbon footprint by reducing all CO2 emissions.

M.M.: Makes sense to me. Unfortunately there are some troublemakers who maintain the position that the science behind your claims is flawed. How do you respond to that?

Gore: I’ve said years ago: The debate is over! We can sit here and argue over minor details or we can act. There will always be global warming deniers. You can’t change everybody’s mind. But you can change the world for the better if you focus on the road ahead.

M.M.: Well said! I have to admit that I like Obama’s approach. He pretty much killed the American car industry, which means that there will be a lot less cars on the road. And the way he’s been demonizing Toyota is simply brilliant!

Gore: Yes, Obama has been a blessing for this country. It is so important that we have a president who recognizes the dangers of global warming.

M.M.: Why can’t we all just live like the people in Africa? They are doing just fine without all the luxuries. No cars, no electricity, they live in small huts and everybody is on a healthy diet. I bet their carbon footprints are tiny.

Gore: You are exactly right, Mike. We should strive to be more like them. But it can only be done gradually. My plan is to turn us into a carbon-free society. Step by step. In the meantime I offer companies to offset their carbon footprints.

M.M.: What does that mean?

Gore: I founded a business that sells carbon credits. Let’s say, for example, you own a factory and your carbon emissions are very high. You can purchase carbon credits from me. With that money we plant trees and do lots of other things to counterbalance the pollution caused by you.

M.M.: I’ve heard of it! You’ve made hundreds of millions with that!

Gore: Nothing wrong with capitalism. Especially when it’s for a good cause.

M.M.: So do you live in a small hut and travel around on a bike?

Gore: I try my best to keep my carbon footprint as small as possible

M.M.: I’ve heard that you live in a huge mansion and that your power bill is insanely high. People also told me that you fly around on a private jet a lot.

Gore: Again, I do the best I can to live an environmentally friendly life. It’s not always possible, but of course I offset my carbon footprint.

M.M.: By buying carbon credits from your own company?

Gore: Yes.

M.M.: That is very smart! Before I let you go, do you have a message for our German readers?

Gore: Yes. Watch your carbon footprint! Use less electricity. Walk to work. Don’t go on vacations. Stay home more. Grow your own food. Don’t support anything that causes carbon emissions to rise. Live responsibly. We owe it to our planet so that our children will be able to enjoy its beauty!

M.M.: Amen to that! Thank you for this interview, Mr. Gore. I’d shake your hand but who knows what that might cause…

M.M.: I can’t tell you what a delight it is to have the opportunity to interview one of the greatest heroes of our lifetime, Mr. Moore!

Moore: Thank you. That is very flattering. I’m glad to be here.

M.M.: You need to know that I’m probably your biggest fan. I have seen all of your documentaries. I’ve read your books, too.

Moore: It’s nice to talk to someone who’s actually coming prepared. I usually have to face people who don’t know anything about me and rely only on hearsay.

M.M.: You mean there are people who criticize you?

Moore: Are you kidding? More than I can count.

M.M.: But how is that possible, after all you have done for this country? For the world!

Moore: Well, I wear it as a badge of honor. The more I get attacked, the more I know I’m right.

M.M.: Can you give me an example?

Moore: Sure. Take Fahrenheit 911 for instance.

M.M.: A masterpiece!

Moore: People accused me of lying and distorting the truth. I challenged them and offered a lot of money to the person who could find one single lie in that documentary. Nobody ever came forward. So you see, some idiots like to make a lot of noise, but when it gets serious they are nowhere to be found.

M.M.: You should go after those people and sue them.

Moore: You can’t get too involved in things like that. You’d lose your focus and that’s essentially what they want. They want you to go away or at least be irrelevant.

M.M.: You’re anything but irrelevant. Tell us about your latest documentary.

Moore: It’s called-

M.M.: Around Michael Moore in 80 days?

Moore: You‘re a funny guy. And I have lost weight by the way. No, it‘s called “Capitalism - A Love Story”.

M.M.: That’s a strange title. It implies that you like capitalism. I would be disappointed.

Moore: Of course I like capitalism.

M.M.: You do?

Moore: I just don’t like what has become of it.

M.M.: Explain.

Moore: Look at what’s going on at Wall Street.

M.M.: Yes! And before you go on, I have to tell you a secret. I was really pleased to see those towers collapse on 9/11. I thought this would be the end of Wall Street and its fraudulent trading practices. But I was wrong. They are back and with people like Bernie Madoff stronger than ever.

Moore: Madoff is in jail, so we don’t have to worry about him anymore.

M.M.: True, but don’t you think that he was just the tip of the iceberg?

Moore: Yes, and that’s why I made this documentary. I think the whole system is undermining the very idea of capitalism.

M.M.: I hate that word!

Moore: And I don’t blame you. What happened to the days when you got rewarded for hard work and hard work only? The stock market has mutated into a monster. Money gets shifted around. Money gets created out of nothing. Nobody really understands what’s going on anymore except for a few people who control the whole market. In my opinion profits have to be earned and that’s why I don’t own stocks.

M.M.: What do you mean? I thought you owned a lot of stocks. I read about it a long time ago. Isn’t that true?

Moore: I’m not prepared to answer that question. But I can tell you this much: I offer 10 dollars to anyone who can proof that.

M.M.: What do you think of our new president? Isn’t Obama great?

Moore: I’m in awe of him. The simple fact that he was elected was reason enough for him to be the recipient of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize.

M.M.: Yes, I was very happy for him. I bet he will get an Oscar, too. And the Country Music Award, of course.

Moore: And he should. He put and end to torture, ordered Guantanamo closed and he’s eliminated that useless term “War on Terror”. In fact, I wrote him a letter and congratulated him on his great work. Now I just hope that he will end the two wars that he inherited and bring our troops home.

M.M.: What if he doesn’t end the wars?

Moore: Then he should return the Nobel Peace Prize to Oslo. But I’m confident that he will put an end to a war that we cannot win.

M.M.: There are people who say that he should listen to his generals and increase the troops in Afghanistan.

Moore: There is nothing wrong with Obama doing what the last guy failed to do — capture the man or men responsible for the mass murder of 3,000 people on 9/11. But you cannot do that with tanks and troops. He is pursuing a criminal, not an army. You do not use a stick of dynamite to get rid of a mouse.

M.M.: Wise words, Mr. Moore. Wise words. Maybe we can use that stick of dynamite to get rid of Wall Street?

Moore: I don’t advocate violence but it might not be such a bad idea.

M.M.: We could get into the details after the interview if you like. What are your plans for the future?

Moore: I’m not sure. To be honest, it’s tough to be the lone voice out there. There’s only so much you can do, but when you realize that things aren’t changing and people aren’t changing you get discouraged.

M.M.: Perfectly understandable.

Moore: So instead of doing documentaries I could see myself making movies. I would love to do a comedy.

M.M.: And I’m sure you’d be victorious at it. But we need you right where you are.

Moore: I will try my best.

M.M.: Well, this is about all the time we have. Thank you very much for stopping by and please say hello to your brother Roger.

M.M.: Well, look who’s back! It’s the president of the United States!

Obama: Hi Mike, how are you doing?

M.M.: Never better. But how are you? I hear things aren’t going well for you at the moment.

Obama: Oh, you shouldn’t pay attention to the media. Everybody knows they are leaning more to the right. So it’s only natural that they portray my work in a negative way.

M.M.: I understand. In other words they are lying about you.

Obama: Of course. They do it all the time. I think it’s because I look different.

M.M.: How is that?

Obama: I’m black.

M.M.: Wow! How did that happen?

Obama: My father was black.

M.M.: I see. Is he ok now?

Obama: He passed away.

M.M.: How tragic! You better be careful then. Can you give us an example as to how your work is being portrayed in a negative way?

Obama: Sure. Take the health care bill, for instance.

M.M.: Good one! People are saying it will ruin the country. Some are even afraid that they won’t be able to keep their current health plan.

Obama: That is nonsense. When my health care bill is signed into law everybody who wants to keep their doctor and/or health insurance will be able to do so.

M.M.: Is that a promise?

Obama: More than likely.

M.M.: More than likely is not a promise.

Obama: Ok, it’s a likely promise.

M.M.: But why are people so mad then?

Obama: Nobody is mad. It’s a right wing conspiracy.

M.M.: A phrase Hillary Clinton likes to use a lot.

Obama: True. The Republicans send out the craziest people to wreck havoc.

M.M.: Excuse me, I keep hearing you say that. It’s wreak havoc. Where did you get your edumacation?

Obama: Very funny. As I was saying, these crazy people are being sent out to disturb any peaceful discussion about health care.

M.M.: Sarah Palin even talked about “death panels” who will decide over the fate of sick people.

Obama: That is ridiculous.

M.M.: Not really. I heard about a woman in a state where health insurance by the government is already in existence. Her cancer treatment was too expensive, so they offered to pay for a stay in a hospice or suggested assisted suicide. Is this the route you are taking, too?

Obama: Of course not. I have always said that under my plan everybody will get the treatment they need.

M.M.: Promise?

Obama: Ok.

M.M.: Is it true that there is talk to call the health plan the Ted Kennedy Health Plan?

Obama: That’s quite possible. Ted fought most of his life to give health insurance to everybody. I think his hard work would be represented well if we named the bill after him.

M.M.: Hm, Rush Limbaugh said the other day that Kennedy’s name on the bill would be nothing but total hypocrisy because he sought out all the treatment that was available to him to survive. An option most people with a health plan paid by the government would not have.

Obama: Rush Limbaugh, huh? The Fairness Doctrine will shut him up forever. I promise!

M.M.: How is the stimulus package working?

Obama: It’s working great, Mike. Jobs are created left and right. The recession is officially over.

M.M.: Is that so? I’ve heard that the unemployment rate is at a 26 year high.

Obama: That’s just the-

M.M.: Right wing conspiracy again?

Obama: Yes. Especially in the environmental area we have been very successful. We are creating green jobs every day. You know how important it is to get away from oil and find alternative energy sources. We have an obligation to save our planet.

M.M.: Is that why you gave a few billion dollars to Brazil to boost their oil production?

Obama: Well…

M.M.: Or is that also a lie?

Obama: Probably.

M.M.: When are you going to shut down Guantanamo?

Obama: I have given an executive order to close that place and now I don’t want to hear about it anymore.

M.M.: But there are still prisoners there.

Obama: That’s not my fault. I told them all to go home. But nobody wants them. What can I do?

M.M.: Are you worried about the budget deficit at all?

Obama: No. As my buddy and vice-president Joe Biden put it so wisely, we have to spend our way out of the recession. It’s the logical thing to do.

M.M.: But then why did you criticize Bush for running the deficit so high? It was a major talking point on your election campaign. Now the deficit is twice as high or even higher.

Obama: Wasn’t it a German politician who once said: What do I care about the crap I said yesterday?

M.M.: I like your style!

Obama: Thank you.

M.M.: Recent polls show your approval ratings are dramatically dropping. How do you feel about that?

Obama: I think America hasn’t learned from her past. There are still lots of racists out there.

M.M.: Are you trying to say that everybody who criticizes you is a racist?

Obama: I guess, I could have calibrated my words better. I’m just saying that-

M.M.: Let’s just forget it. I want you to know that I would never make any derogatory remarks about your race.

Obama: I appreciate that.

M.M.: But unfortunately we are out of time. As always, it’s been a pleasure. Take care, bro!

Palin: What are you doing in my kitchen?

M. M.: The window was open. I couldn’t resist.

Palin: Who are you?

M. M.: I’m a big fan. What are you cooking?

Palin: Moose stew. Shot it myself this morning. And I will shoot your ugly head right off your shoulders if you don’t leave my house immediately.

M. M.: Actually, I was wondering if you would be available for an interview.

Palin: You’re a reporter?

M. M.: For an insignificant German blog, yes.

Palin: German? That explains the crappy accent. So you’re one of those dumb Europeans with their heads up Obama’s ass?

M. M.: Hey! Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!

Palin: You don’t even know what that means.

M. M.: Can we do the interview now?

Palin: No. You need to leave.

M. M.: But I have so many questions I want to ask. So many things I want to say. I want to kiss you, too!

Palin: Up here in Alaska we have our ways of dealing with perverts like you.

M. M.: No doubt. Is the thought of having to debate Joe Biden - a man who has been in the senate for three decades - making you nervous?

Palin: I ain’t afraid of nobody. I’ll chain that old fart to my snowmobile and drag him across the tundra till his silly hair piece falls off.

M. M.: You’re a tough cookie, it seems.

Palin: You bet! And so is McCain. He’ll mop the floor with Barack Hussein Obama.

M. M.: Why are you calling him Hussein? That’s blasphemy.

Palin: That’s his name, isn’t it?

M. M.: Sure, but nobody needs to know.

Palin: According to Barack Hussein Obama there are many things that nobody needs to know.

M. M.: Did you really shoot a moose this morning?

Palin: Yes. Right after I gave birth to my sixth child.

M. M.: Another one?

Palin: A boy. We named him Hillary. To remind us of the good times, you know?

M. M.: Let’s be realistic. Even if McCain wins the elections in November, we all know that he will die just a few days later. Are you prepared to take over the most important job in the world?

Palin: It can’t be that difficult. I’ll manage.

M. M.: What about Ahmadinejad?

Palin: That mental dwarf will be dealt with.

M. M.: Putin?

Palin: I’ll duel his sorry ass anytime.

M. M.: Al Gore?

Palin: Must die.

M. M.: Can I try some of the moose stew?

Palin: No. See this shotgun?

M.M.: Why are you pointing it at me?

Palin: Because I still need to hunt me some dessert.

M.M.: Senator McCain, thank you very much for agreeing to do this interview. And please accept my heartfelt condolences, of course.

McCain: Condolences? What are you referring to?

M.M.: Losing to the Heavenly Father, Barack Obama.

McCain: That remains to be seen. I haven’t lost yet. Actually, the race is pretty close.

M.M.: Says who?

McCain: Opinion polls all over the country.

M.M.: Whatever. We, here at Gegenstimme, like to focus on the facts. And fact is that Obama will win the election in November. There’s nothing you can do about it.

McCain: I respect your opinion, my friend, but I respectfully disagree. I strongly believe that the American people will not be fooled into voting for a candidate who would be detrimental for our country. Let me give you an example …

M.M.: No, thanks. But let’s talk about the Messiah for a bit. The economy is struggling and with oil prices through the roof there is a wide-spread fear of a recession. As you may know, Lord Obama recently revealed one of the best kept secrets to the world. By inflating our tires properly we can solve the oil crisis. There you have it! He came to the rescue and he’s not even president yet. How can you beat that?

McCain: Well, you can’t drive around with flat tires. Common sense.

M.M.: Are you saying that you knew about this secret?

McCain: Of course.

M.M.: This is unbelievable! What else haven’t you told us? Where does the government hide the space aliens? Area 51?

McCain: Let’s talk about one issue at a time.

M.M.: Ok. Where do you hide them?

McCain: I’d like to discuss the oil crisis a little further.

M.M.: Sorry, I lost interest. What do you think about Paris Hilton calling you “the wrinkly old white haired dude” in her Youtube video? Was that funny or what?

McCain: I have to admit that I’ve only heard about it. I haven’t seen the video yet.

M.M.: Maybe you have and you just can’t remember. You are kind of old, you know?

McCain: Certainly not too old to forget something like this.

M.M.: Are you sure? I have my doubts.

McCain: Yes, my friend, I’m sure.

M.M.: Senator McCain, thank you very much for agreeing to do this interview. And please accept my heartfelt condolences, of course.

McCain: Condolences? What are you referring to?

M.M.: Classic!

McCain: We should change subjects.

M.M.: Yes. Will you offer your services as vice president to our Savior?

McCain: That’s ridiculous!

M.M.: I mean if Hillary doesn’t want the job.

McCain: You don’t know much about politics, do you?

M.M.: Not really. I mostly watch soaps. But that secret about inflating your tires made it through even to me. I’m still trembling in excitement. Politics can be fun!

McCain: Then I’m sure you should vote for Obama. He seems like the right guy to make you happy. In the meantime I will continue on my quest for the common good. With a little help from God the American people will do the right thing and vote for me.

M.M.: I don’t understand. Why would Obama help you?

McCain: …

M.M.: Senator McCain, thank you so much for this interview.

McCain: Thank you for having me, my friend. What’s your first question?

M.M.: You guys are back! I can’t tell you how excited I am to have both of you sitting right here in front of me!

Clinton: I am delighted to be back, Mike!

Obama: And so am I. Some things will never change.

M.M.: Senator Clinton, I was pleased to see that you made it here safe and sound.

Clinton: It wasn’t easy, I can tell you that much. Sniper fire everywhere! After the plane had landed we were forced to run - heads down - towards the vehicles. Thanks to my 35 years of experience I got here in one piece.

Obama: Oh please, not that story again!

Clinton: It’s true!

Obama: Riiiight, just like that cute little anecdote about your mom naming you after Sir Edmund Hillary who became famous five years after you were born.

Clinton: True story!

Obama: I’ll never forget the day you told the press that your daughter Chelsea barely escaped a tragedy while jogging around the World Trade Center on 9/11. In reality she was at home, finding out about the attack through a friend.

Clinton: Well, I made a mistake. I’m only human, which seems to be a revelation to some people.

Obama: What kind of name is Chelsea anyway? Sounds like a race horse. ‘Coming around the bend: Number Five, Chelsea …’

Clinton: Barack, I will not engage in this kind of rhetoric with you.

Obama: Fine with me. It’s always best when liars stay silent.

Clinton: Interesting, coming from a racist …

Obama: I am not a racist!

Clinton: Of course you are!

Obama: No, I’m not. My pastor is.

Clinton: Only a racist would associate with someone who claims that AIDS was invented by America to kill black people.

Obama: That quote was taken out of context.

Clinton: Was it? I’d be ashamed if that man were my spiritual leader.

Obama: And I’d be ashamed if I were married to Bill. That slimy, dirty womanizer! Dips his private parts into every female within a two mile radius. Except for you. When was the last time he dipped into you?

Clinton: Excuse me?! In order for me to talk at your level I would have to dig a deep hole.

Obama: Maybe. But the fact remains that you would be a nobody without your husband. A nobody! The only reason you’ve stayed with that adulterer was to advance your career. What a sad life you must lead.

Clinton: And I find it curious that some inexperienced colored man who has been accused of dealing cocaine in his past has the audacity of hoping he might become president one day.

Obama: I never sold cocaine to anybody. I snorted it. Wait a minute! Did you just call me a colored man?

Clinton: Yes.

Obama: You can’t say that. That’s racist, woman!

Clinton: And you can’t call me woman. That’s sexist!

Obama: But you are a woman.

Clinton: That’s right, but it’s forbidden to cross that line. Can’t ride the sexist wave, negro.

Obama: Why? Are you gonna cry again? Playing the vulnerable and helpless victim of the brutal world ruled by men?

Clinton: Don’t be ridiculous! Men can’t make me cry.

Obama: Sexist!

Clinton: Hussein!

Obama: Oh, here we go again. Stirring up islamophobic sentiments. In case you didn’t know: I’m a Christian.

Clinton: That’s right. A Christian going to a church with a racist pastor, who calls our country The United K-K-K of America. Nice touch, Barack! Why don’t you just drop out of the race and let me do what I was born to do?

Obama: You think I’m crazy? I’m leading in the popular vote and I have way more delegates than you.

Clinton: True, but I will get the votes of the superdelegates.

Obama: What makes you so sure?

Clinton: I’ll have them killed if they don’t vote for me. They wouldn’t be the first people dying around me under mysterious circumstances. But seriously, we should combine our forces and campaign as the perfect duo. President and VP. With me on top, of course. What do you think?

Obama: You sexist racist! Never!

Clinton: You might regret it. I will not extend this offer to you again.

Obama: Don’t be naïve! America doesn’t want you.

Clinton: Really? And why is that?

Obama: Cause America is Probama! Isn’t that true, Mike? Hey, wake up! Mike?

M.M.: Herr Beck, Sie sind mein erster Interviewpartner, der gleichzeitig auf zwei Stühlen vor mir sitzt. Ich kann es mir daher nicht verkneifen, mich bei Ihnen für Ihr zahlreiches Erscheinen zu bedanken.

Beck: Keine Ursache.

M.M.: Ich kann es noch gar nicht richtig fassen. Sie sind tatsächlich hier!

Beck: Was ist daran so ungewöhnlich?

M.M.: Ich weiß absolut nix über Sie!

Beck: Warum haben Sie mich dann hierhin bestellt?

M.M.: Ich wurde gezwungen.

Beck: Von wem?

M.M.: Von der kreativen Ader meines Schöpfers. Mein Schöpfer wirft mich gerne ins kalte Wasser.

Beck: Aha. Und wer ist das, wenn ich fragen darf?

M.M.: Kennen Sie eh nicht. Außerdem ist dies mein Interview. Hier stelle ich die Fragen.

Beck: Nun denn, wollen wir anfangen?

M.M.: Was soll das bringen? Ich bin völlig unvorbereitet. Aber gut, lassen wir es auf einen Versuch ankommen. Herr Beck, woher kennt man Sie?

Beck: Na, raten Sie doch mal!

M.M.: Sind Sie ein berühmter Perlentaucher?

Beck: Nein.

M.M.: Ex-Kugelstoßer aus der DDR? Vom Gewicht her könnt’s passen.

Beck: Nein.

M.M.: Organisieren Sie Swinger-Partys in der Eifel?

Beck: Lustig, aber falsch. Zumindest nicht hauptberuflich.

M.M.: Ok, ich gebe auf. Ist ja auch nicht wichtig. Unsere Leser werden schon wissen, mit wem sie es zu tun haben.

Beck: Das denke ich allerdings auch.

M.M.: Was sollen wir also noch länger ‘Wer bin ich?’ spielen?

Beck: Was bin ich.

M.M.: Ich weiß es eben nicht! Die Speckigen sind immer ganz schwer einzuordnen. Schwer beeindruckt bin ich jedoch von Ihren Deutschkenntnissen. Wie lange leben Sie schon in Deutschland?

Beck: Mein ganzes Leben.

M.M.: Verstehe. Erste Generation einer türkischen Gastarbeiterfamilie?

Beck: Wie kommen Sie darauf? Beck ist doch kein türkischer Name.

M.M.: Nein, aber Kurt schon. Kurt hat viele Bedeutungen. Tausendfüßler, Wurm, Made, Bandwurm, Wechselkurs …-

Beck: Glauben Sie mir bitte: An mir ist nichts Ausländisches, geschweige denn Türkisches. Ich bin Deutscher, aufgewachsen in einem deutschen Haushalt, Herr Meynstream. Rheinland-Pfalz!

M.M.: Hm, kommt mir da ein Hauch von nationalsozialistischem Mundgeruch entgegen? Sind Sie etwa ein brauner Blogger?

Beck: Also, das verbitte ich mir!

M.M.: Was?

Beck: Mich hier in aller Öffentlichkeit zu beleidigen. Das verbitte ich mir!

M.M.: Was kann ich dafür, dass Sie von Ihren Eltern auf den Namen Bandwurm getauft wurden? Ich würde mich ja auch lieber mit Ihnen über Musik oder über die Wahlen in den USA unterhalten, aber so ein Name bleibt nunmal nicht unbemerkt. Ihr Türken habt’s ja nicht besonders leicht in Deutschland. Sind Sie als Kind deswegen oft gehänselt worden?

Beck: Natürlich nicht!

M.M.: Gegretelt? Verzeihung, das war jetzt albern. Ist Ihnen auch so langweilig?

Beck: Es gruselt mich eher. Wir sollten hier abbrechen. Dieses Interview rechnet sich nicht für mich.

M.M.: Verstehe. Es muss sich für Sie rechnen. Sie sind also ein Freund von Zahlen, quasi ein mathematisch orientierter Nazi-Türke. Welch einsames Los! Da würde ich Ihnen doch gerne mal schnell off-topic und off-the-record eine Frage stellen: Wie kriege ich meine Millionen unbeschadet am Finanzamt vorbei? Bitte, beraten Sie mich frei von der Leber weg!

Beck: Sie fragen ausgerechnet mich, wie sie das Finanzamt bescheißen können? Das nenne ich Chuzpe!

M.M.: Ach, lassen wir doch bitte diese türkischen Kraftausdrücke in den Ruhrpott-Ghettos, wo sie hingehören. Nochmal: Wie bescheiße ich risikolos das Finanzamt? Plaudern Sie ruhig aus dem Nähkästchen, Kurt.

Beck: Wenn es um Steuerbetrug geht …-

M.M.: Oder muss es Kürt heißen?

Beck: … sind Sie bei mir an der falschen Stelle.

M.M.: Damit kennen Sie sich nicht aus?

Beck: Oh doch! Allzu gut sogar. Und ich sage Ihnen eines: Diese reine Gier nach Geld muss in unserer Gesellschaft eingedämmt werden!

M.M.: Sie meinen die Regierung?

Beck: Ich sagte klar und deutlich …-

M.M.: Gar perfekt deutschlich!

Beck: … Gesellschaft!

M.M.: Ja, aber Sie spielten damit auf den Staat an. Den gierigen, nimmersatten Staat, nicht wahr?

Beck: Weit gefehlt!

M.M.: Ich verstehe gar nichts mehr. Wer sind Sie?

Beck: No friend of yours, um es mal in Ihrer Sprache auszudrücken.

M.M.: Jetzt gruselt’s mich auch.

Beck: Das glaube ich. Und nun werde ich mich von Ihnen ganz weit entfernen.

M.M.: Ok. Tschüss, Kürt! Take it üsy.

M. M.: Sir, I feel privileged and honored by your kindness to sit down for an interview with me!

Obama: The honor is all mine. I’ve heard only good things about Gegenstimme.

M. M.: How would you prefer me to address you? Heavenly Father?

Obama: Oh no, please call me Barack, Mike!

M. M.: It doesn’t seem appropriate. You do realize that you are our Savior, don’t you?

Obama: We’re all brothers and sisters.

M. M.: Feel free to say ‘brothas and sistas‘. We have a lot of tolerance for you black people. I have always liked this one: Yo, yo, yo, whassup, ma brotha from anotha motha?

Obama: Yea … that’s funny … I guess.

M. M.: The L. A. TIMES called you the ‘Magic Negro’ not too long ago. How do you feel about that?

Obama: I’m not sure …-

M. M.: Neither am I. It sounds so antiquated. ‘Magic Nigga‘, now that has oomph!

Obama: People put too much emphasis on the color of my skin. I don’t represent the black community. I represent all people.

M. M.: And quite successfully, I might add. You took the whole world by storm. Everybody is in awe of you. Even the white folks!

Obama: Yes, and this proves my point. My campaign is not about racial issues. It’s not about black or white or red or yellow. It’s not about Republicans or Democrats. It’s not about conservatives or liberals. It’s not about men or women. It’s not about …-

M. M.: Ok, stop already! I get it. Just tell me what your campaign is about.

Obama: Change.

M. M.: Change?

Obama: Yes. And hope.

M. M.: Change and hope?

Obama: Yes.

M. M.: Wow! I wonder why nobody else thought of that?

Obama: I know, it is so simple. The solution to all our problems lies in …-

M. M.: Change and hope for the better?

Obama: Absolutely right.

M. M.: What a concept!

Obama: Isn’t it? And you can apply it to anything.

M. M.: It is no surprise to me that you are now the frontrunner for the Democrat Party. Everybody loves you. In fact, you are so loved by the world, only one person is known to get this much positive attention: The Antichrist. But he hasn’t arrived yet.

Obama: Interesting comparison.

M. M.: So, who do you think is going to try to assassinate you first? The Ku Klux Klan? Islamic terrorists? Hillary Clinton?

Obama: I would like to think neither of them. However, as history has shown there is always a chance that this could happen. But I don’t ponder it too much and leave it to …-

M. M.: Hope?

Obama: That too. But I meant to say that I leave it to the great people of the Secret Service. They are doing an excellent job protecting me, my wife Michelle and our children.

M. M.: Speaking of your wife. I recently heard her say that for the first time in her adult life she is proud of her country. She hit the nail right on the head! Isn’t it amazing that we finally have something to be proud of as Americans?

Obama: And there could be so much more for us to be proud of if we’re just willing to give change a chance.

M. M.: There is something that I need to confess, Father. Last night I watched Ann Coulter on TV and I was thinking naughty thoughts. Dirty thoughts. Outright sexual!

Obama: That’s only natural.

M. M.: No, I’m a married man! Can you absolve me?

Obama: I’m not the Messiah, Mike.

M. M.: What a humble man you are! Before you leave, can you wash my feet or would you like me to wash yours?

Obama: Thanks, I pass.

M. M.: Well, your advisors are signaling me that our time is up. I would like to thank you for this interview. And congratulations on your successful campaign! Let’s hope it won’t change.

M.M.: Herr Schack, wir von der Gegenstimme freuen uns, dass du zu diesem Interview erscheinen konntest.

Schack: Ich freue mich auch. Euer Blog ist spitze!

M.M.: Stimmt. Ich bedanke mich für das Gespräch.

(Nur für Kenner)

M.M.: Moin, Jungs! Wie gefällt euch meine Weihnachtsmütze?

Jürgen: Bezaubernd!

Sir Winston: Warum sind wir hier?

M.M.: Ich mache mit euch ein Interview. Hast du das Infomaterial nicht bekommen?

Sir Winston: Sorry, ich dachte, das sei eine Briefbombe gewesen.

M.M.: Wer fehlt?

Yaab: Gallina. Die ist in der Bahnhofskneipe versackt. Ist ziemlich angesäuselt. Nennt sich Aysha und lässt sich reihenweise Obstler von einer Gruppe mit Migrationshintergrund ausgeben.

M.M.: Wer noch?

Yaab: Der Deutschling.

M.M.: Warum?

Yaab: Er ist nach Holland ausgewandert. Der Fußball sei dort einfach besser, meint er. Will nun Dutchling genannt werden.

Marquis: Ich bin da!

M.M.: Das ist richtig und ich hab’s auch sofort protokolliert. Wo ist denn der Meyn?

Tankdriver: Unter deiner Mütze, du Depp!

M.M.: Hoho, da habe ich jetzt für unsere Leser einen kleinen Witz gemacht. Gut mitgespielt, Tanki!

Sir Winston: Und wie soll das jetzt ablaufen?

M.M.: Ich habe einfach mal einen kleinen Fragenkatalog zusammen gestellt, von dem ich denke, dass er unsere Leser interessieren wird. Ganz simple Fragen wie ‘Sollten wir den letzten Schritt zum reinen Männerblog wagen und Gudrun Eussner sperren?’, ‘Haben wir Angst, dass uns PI in Sachen Leserzahlen bald überholen könnte?’, ‘Wie sieht die Planung fürs nächste Jahr aus?’

Rational: Wie? Ich dachte, ihr macht am 31.12. dicht.

M.M. (zu Jürgen flüsternd): Was macht der hier?

Jürgen: Stunk.

Claudia: Wenn der beim Interview anwesend sein darf, warum musste dann mein Kerl im Auto warten?

Tankdriver: Soll ich den Typen raus auf die Straße schleifen?

Jürgen: Ja, bitte!

Tankdriver: Gut, ich kümmer mich. Komm mit, Freundchen!

Rational: Da macht man nur einmal Kikiriki und schon wird man verbannt?

Claudia: Heul doch!

Hofmae: Awesome! So hätte Arnie das auch gemacht!

Mark Mallokent: Können wir bitte anfangen? Ich muss noch heute wieder zurück nach Frankreich.

M.M.: Du lebst In Frankreich? Wie interessant! Das solltest du öfter mal beim Bloggen erwähnen.

Mark Mallokent: Mache ich andauernd.

M.M.: Ausgezeichnet! Vielleicht dann auch bald bei Gegenstimme?

Marquis: Der Winnie lebt in Russland!

Sir Winston: Schon lange nicht mehr. Dort war ich nur für ein paar Monate.

Marquis: Das scheint mir verdächtig. Biste so’n verkappter Kommi? Ein roter Spion?

Tankdriver: Komm mit, Freundchen!

Hofmae: Awesome!

Gastautor: Vielleicht sollte ich besser gehen. Ich habe noch ein paar andere Eisen im Feuer. No Blood for Sauerkraut hat mir neulich angeboten, eine -

Marquis: Tanki!

Tankdriver: Ich kümmer mich.

M.M.: Wer sind eigentlich die beiden schnarchenden Herren da hinten?

Jürgen: Don und Loc. Wollen weder bloggen, noch geweckt werden.

M.M.: Verstehe. Und wer warst du noch mal?

Jürgen: Ich bin dein Kumpel Jürgen.

M.M.: Stimmt, du warst mit deiner Holden bei uns zu Besuch in Vegas. Ihr habt mich zu tollen Geschichten inspiriert!

Torsten Knott: Kommen da noch Fortsetzungen? Denn eigentlich bin ich hier nur für die Briefe vom kleinen Inder zuständig. Ansonsten liegt mir die Bloggerei nicht so sehr.

M.M.: Das wäre eine gute Frage bezüglich der Planung für das kommende Jahr. Aber ich will ja nicht mich interviewen, sondern euch. Also, Torsten, sind weitere Briefe vom kleinen Inder geplant?

Torsten Knott: Weiß nicht. Sind von deiner Seite Fortsetzungen geplant?

M.M.: Weiß nicht.

Hofmae: Und ich schreibe auf alle Fälle die Buchkritik zu ‘Vegas, Schnuckie!’ Nur noch dreimal kacken, dann bin ich durch.

Yaab: Ich habe schon längst eine Kritik geschrieben. Das muss reichen.

Claudia: Wie lange soll das Interview gehen? Mein Kerl wartet nicht ewig im Auto!

Marquis: Wird die Eussner jetzt gesperrt oder nicht?

Mark Mallokent: Mon dieu!

Sir Winston: Raucht hier jemand heimlich? Das ist doch wohl das Allerletzte!

Tankdriver: Soll ich mich kümmern?

Sir Winston: Ja, mach deine Kippe aus!

Yaab: Ich bin Vegetarier und der Meyn riecht nach Bratensoße. Hörst du mich etwa jammern?

Sir Winston: Es sind halt nicht alle so tough wie du.

Yaab: Eben! Themenwechsel: Wir sollten nächstes Jahr Klopapier mit aufgedruckten Mohammed-Karikaturen auf den Markt bringen.

Jürgen: Genehmigt!

Yaab: Noch besser: Wir taufen Gegenstimme auf den Namen Mohammed. Da brennt das Internet!

Mark Mallokent: Was hat das jetzt alles mit dem Interview zu tun?

M.M.: Mir, möchtest du auch etwas sagen?

Mir: Mir heißt Frieden.